Conquering Divisiveness and Finding Peace

In anticipation of the upcoming elections, here’s to finding peace, in ourselves and the world.

We’ve all heard the battle cry, “If you aren’t with us, then you are against us!” Where does this “us vs them” mentality come from? Why is everything about choosing sides and being for or against something? Can peace exist in such a world?

In our litigious society of arguments, contentions, and lawsuits we are surrounded by the us vs them mentality. It’s always someone else’s fault. One side is so sure that they are right, and the other side is wrong they will go to court to prove it. With blinders on, one side refuses to see the other side’s point of view. Admission of guilt doesn’t come easy to many, let alone the act of forgiveness.

Sources of division are everywhere: Republicans vs Democrats, black vs white, gay vs straight, pro-choice vs pro-life, vaxers vs anti-vaxers. Then there is the ongoing war in the Middle East where conflict has reached epic levels and has lasted for years. How are we supposed to come together, to feel connected to others with this march of divisiveness constantly playing in the background of our lives?

I listen to my favorite teachers of conscious living and leaders of mindfulness. They agree that we are not separate individuals. Rather, we are all connected as a universal, collective whole. In higher conscious living, there is no us vs them. When we can see beyond our daily stresses and troubles, there is a greater force that connects us all. Within this collective connection, there is peace, if we can just get beyond the small, reductive way of seeing each other and the world.

How can we come together in today’s world of wars and hostility? We connect when we realize that a little of “them” lies within “us.” Those undesirable, dark traits that we are quick to criticize in others, that cause us to turn away in anger or disgust, those dark parts of them are in fact a very real, though often buried part of us. We aren’t so different from the other guy after all. A thread of the undesirable exists within each of us.

I may condemn my neighbor for being a liar, but there’s a small bit of a liar in me. I may get annoyed by my coworker’s egotistic way of talking, but there are times I let my ego take over more than I’d like, and I present myself in an overly inflated way.  We just don’t like to admit that what we find so offensive in another, is within us, even if in the smallest amount.

These traits that we bury so deep that we refuse to take ownership of them, are our shadows.  Even if only a thin thread of anger, hate, selfishness or deception, those threads are still a part of us and are in part what drives the divide between them and us. As Carl Jung said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” In other words, the things that bother us most about other people are often projections of our unresolved issues, fears, and insecurities. Once we can recognize our shadows and understand that our neighbor is not so different from us, then there is a little less separation between us them.

Differences don’t need to divide us

The world is made up of differences –differing opinions, different ways of speaking living, eating, loving praying. When we stop to listen to others, to hear their stories and where they have come from, their experiences, the programs they have been indoctrinated with, and their personal histories – this allows us to begin to understand them.

The start of peace and connection with others comes with the ability to listen to others.

It’s a little like parenting a child who is acting out. If you can stop reacting to them, stop yelling at them, and instead listen and try to understand the driving force behind their behavior, then you can see how best to connect with them. Maybe they’re hungry or fighting with their best friend. Either of those is enough to set them off into feelings of anger, misbehavior, or even withdrawal. And so it is for adults. However someone is behaving, whether it’s angry, condescending, or hurtful, there is always a reason behind it. We may or may not agree with their reasoning, but it’s a start in bringing us closer to understanding them. When we can take a moment to stop and consider where the other person is coming from and try to understand their story, perhaps we will feel a little less separate and a little more connected.

Have a Conversation

Having conversations with people who we don’t agree with is difficult. Many people don’t want to listen to the other side. This often comes from fear – fear of what they don’t know or understand, or fear of seeing an old familiar issue in a new way. But getting beyond thoughts like “what an ignorant idiot” or “they don’t know what they’re talking about,” and stopping to actually listen to their point of view, can be a humbling act of trying to understand. Even if we don’t agree with them, especially if we don’t agree with them, we can at least try to let go of our own judgments and move forward by working to understand. When we take the time to listen, we are taking a step in a positive direction.

To start, we can focus on what we all agree upon. Talk about what we all want, our shared values. We all want peace, we all want freedom, food, and safety; we all want better education for our kids, and a better health care system. We can mostly agree on wanting the same fundamentals in life. How we get there to achieve these goals is where the challenge lies. Connection begins with a conversation. One conversation at a time and open communication will chip away at the us vs them mentality and someday will allow us to coexist, peacefully, as the collective we are.

Article from Julie’s Substack. Find more at: https://substack.com/@juliehatch